Coloring book.

The Boss.

The Black/White Operation.

Beginning in August of 2008, and up until one week ago, a team of South Korean scientists and zoologists, along with the Republic of Korea Air Force, worked fastidiously on a clandestine project which has come to be known only by its nickname, The Black/White Operation. Over that time, much speculation had floated around the internet as to the exact nature of the project, but until May 24, 2011, no one knew its true purpose. Limited range ballistic missile development generally headed the list of hypotheses. And hence the world was stunned to learn that The Black/White Operation’s sole purpose was in fact to train two giant pandas, Walter and Gom-gom, to fly a soviet made Mi-24 helicopter.


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Girth Angel (2011)

Get ready for a painful ride in this celestial tail, as the clouds part and the heavens open up, wide. The film is basically a more literal interpretation of the plotline from ABC Family’s 90’s television series “Touched by an Angel.” Gabe is a winged messenger sent to earth by God from the empyrean. His mission: find Holy Golightly, a nun in doubt of her faith, and scare her back into the habit by overindulging her sinful thoughts. And I do mean over-indulging. It’s an impressive feat by the fresh-faced female starlet, who has certainly paved the way for easier childbirth down the road, but nevertheless, her performance lacks the complexity needed to tackle an existential crisis like the one her character faces. Gabe is even worse, but no one cares because he has a penis the size of two Coke cans.

The brief for this robot was:
A dog catcher
A picket fence
A propeller
A tea party

The brief for this robot was:

  • A dog catcher
  • A picket fence
  • A propeller
  • A tea party
This was for my own good.

I’m not sure what my brother and I did to warrant a spanking that day. How bad could it have been? I don’t recall dropping a baby down a well at any point during my childhood. What I do remember is that our Dad was livid. This was back when he was still mythical. A giant. Red flannel shirt. Hands the size of Grape Nuts boxes. Broom-like stubble and a mustache that would make Burt Reynolds blush. We didn’t get spanked often, but when we did, boy was there a lot of crying. Not so much from the pain, but more because you didn’t ever want the giant to be mad at you. He’s the hugest man in the world, and what did you go and do? You disappointed him. Hugely. And that stung far more than a pair of red cheeks. 

My brother and I knew we were in for it. The floor shook as the giant approached. In a panic, we stuck hardcover books in the seats of our pants to protect ourselves. The door nearly flew off its hinges. We were milliseconds from getting our asses spanked off when the giant discovered our ruse. Amazingly, it didn’t anger him at all. In fact, he found it highly amusing, letting out a thunderous belly laugh which shook the He-Man figures and Gobots in their toy baskets and the tin Garfield waste basket in the corner of the room. He thought it was so funny, in fact, that he completely forgot about hating our guts. We escaped that day, narrowly, but there would be future appointments punctually met. All things being equal, though, I’m glad we got our hides tanned when we were kids. I believe it built character; strengthened us for the terrible world into which we would soon enough be thrust. Who would want to be one of those little jerks that got kisses and hugs instead of spankings, and Tiger’s Milk bars instead of a dollar in nickels to walk myself down to 7-11 for a Slurpee? What kind of childhood would that be? When I have kids, I’m gonna’ spank them every single day. Because I love those little critters. I really do.

The Sky Castle.

Far above in the clouds, I’ll build a crystal castle

And dedicate it to the damned

Inscribe the names of every man

Into the walls of this great glass house in the sky

And then I’ll let the stones fly

And when I’m done I’ll pick the pieces up

To put them back together one by one

Or maybe I won’t do that

It’s starting to sound like a lot of work

Bottom Feeders (2007)

Not since 2girls1cup has such a controversial piece of scat-illogical cinema hit the scene. The film was originally released under the painfully uncreative title “The Little Coprophiliac Mermaid,” but after a major lawsuit from the Disney Corporation, Brown Town Productions changed the name and re-released this fecal favorite in its current form. It has since risen in cult status and is now considered by many to be the benchmark against which all future “Brown Cinema” will be measured. In this foul undersea adventure, we follow the exploits of Ariana, a busty mermaid, and a group of sunken sailors who delight in consuming her droppings, which she sprinkles liberally about the ocean floor. With a few notable exceptions, such as the terrific Dieter Epke as the incorrigible Seaman Sanchez, I found the all-German cast lifeless and hackneyed. The set design was creative, but clearly suffered from lack of budget (half of which was apparently spent on blue light bulbs). All in all, if this is your genre, I’d recommend sticking with a tried and true classic such as “Uncle Tom’s Log Cabin.”

Nasty Hobbits (2009)

This colorful pastiche boldly re-imagines all the characters from J.R.R. Tolkien’s famous Fellowship of the Rings in a sexually explicit manner. The film stars our familiar friends Bilbo and Frodo Baggins, Samwise Gamgee, as well as cousins Meriadoc Brandybuck and Peregrin Took, but instead of embarking on an epic quest to save Middle-Earth from the evil wizard Saruman, the hairy-toed Hobbits have gay sex with each other, repeatedly. I smell a copyright lawsuit (amongst other things).

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